The Unfortunate Life of the DeSoto Caverns

The DeSoto Caverns are limestone caverns PRIVATELY owned and operated FOR PROFIT in Childersburg, Alabama.  The following is a photographic tour of the caves courtesy of Shelby, your tour guide.  Shelby would appreciate it if you read the caption stories in a thick southern accent. <any resemblance to an actual tour is purely a coincidence, any Christian propaganda found in the cavern is also purely a coincidence>

Hi y’all.  We have one rule in the caves you must follow.  Do not touch the formations.  Unfortunately if you touch the formations the oil in your hands will stop the growth and kill the formation.

When an early surveyor was diggin around in the cave he came across human bones.  Turns out they were Native Americans from the Woodland tribe who had buried their dead over 2000 years ago.  The bones were put on display for all to enjoy until 1994.  Unfortunately some Native Americans came on a cave tour and were grossly offended by their ancestors bones on display.  So they forced the owner to turn over the bones so they could be buried again in a secret place.

Mrs. Ida Mathis purchased the cave in 1917 in order to profit from the white onyx found inside the formations.  Unfortunately, shortly after the purchase Mrs. Mathis discovered that white onyx was much more cheaply procured in Mexico, and that her investment was a waste of time and losing money.

The cave used to be home to 1000s of small brown bats making their homes in the dark upper regions of the cave.  Unfortunately due to all the human activity the bats have either died or left for good.

A natural waterfall exists in the back of the main cave chamber.  Unfortunately the waterfall isn’t actually natural anymore due to drought and river diversions the waterfall is now simulated.

I. W. Wright stumbled on the cave in 1723 and carved his initials into this stone in order to show the world his discovery.  Unfortunately the Native Americans were not thrilled with Wright’s defacing of the sacred cave.  They hunted him down 3 miles away from the cave and scalped him.

A civil war era well dug in the center of the main chamber used to supply the confederate troops with water.  Unfortunately the 6 meter deep pool had a child fall into it once, so we had to fill it in.

The cave was the site of a still during prohibition in order to make illegal booze.  Unfortunately with booze comes drunks, and with drunks (in the south) come guns and shootings.  The bullet holes are clearly visible on the wall and several people died.  It was called the bloody tavern.

The DeSoto Caverns used to be a pristine creation of nature housing the world’s second longest drapery formation.  Unfortunately we have destroyed that beauty and now use it as a propaganda tool for an Old Testament Light Show.

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